i suck at life

Im freaking out… I’m a fuck up I can’t think straight

im a liar

im selfish

or am i? why can’t I just be happy? why is it so damn difficult

i cant make up my mind for anything or anyone

im numb to life and I cant except reality so I create an alternative and just pretend to be happy

what is happiness anyways? do you just know when you are hapy or do you just settle and just except your life as it

when you cat get over something that has happened in the past is it best to just keep trying or to just leave it? should i push forward and try try try or be a chicken and just fucking drop it and try to pretend like everything is ok wat if you open the doors to a new life and dont know how to close them even if everything youve built in the past relys on you closing the doors?

how do you know what you are supposed to be doing with your life if you dont try different things? are you just supposed to know and feel right or will it be lke a huge rush of feelings

when youve been betryed how do you get over it… can you ever

maybe im just not happy with myself so i cant let you be happy with me

im sorry for having you fall in love with me you deserve better than me

but after all this i want you to know that I am far from perfect and i never claimed to be i am human and i freak out… sometimes more than others but im about to erupt and disapear or something

but i dont want you out of my life, i dont want to hurt you anymore and i dont want to destroy you and bring you down im unstable but dont leave my life forever please… i need you your my best friend and

im in a downward spiral and the walls are far to slippery to climb out

I hate you

I hate you for doing this to me, I talk to myself, I change my mind, I dont really eat nor sleep, I can’t think right, I can’t function right. I wanna puke so bad when I see you I wish I could really puke b/c I would puke on you. I feel like chocolate milk that just keeps being shook up, I just wanna scream at you, “Stop shaking me you butt holes!” but you wont listen b/c your selfish and you have done selfish things. why do I fill my mind with these hateful thoughts, I don’t want to despise you but I can not fully love you like before. I would of given you everything but you took what wasn’t yours. You stole it, you’re a robber. you also stole my heart and i kinnda want it back, but part of me wants you to have it. please just stop shaking me I don’t feel well. I want to re-write my story, start fresh. it’s too late the first few chapters have already been published, once it’s published, it’s permanent.  My life is changed forever, please don’t make me cold. What doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger, right? or does it only make you un-trusting and cold- hearted, numb. I wish I was dumb so I wouldn’t feel all this pain. I wish I had a giant ice cube that could just numb me inside out and make me happy again. was I ever happy? Of course I was, I was in love, I smiled I laughed I joked I could sleep soundly, I could hold you. It’s all different now and I don’t know how to make it better. why? that’s a stupid question that will never be answered honestly. People are all so capable of lieing, how do you know when they tell the truth? what if you’ve lost  all trust in them, do you believe what they say? She’s right, sometimes it would be better if some people just died, like her. she believes it maybe she should be a part  of it. why did I get stuck in this life I have, why have I had all the hardships imaginable, why can’t anyone help me. I thought I never be here again, this place I thought I left behind. It’s dark and gloomy, depressing, I didn’t ever want to be back here

but you put me here, you must have a motive, I don’t think you’ll be the one to save me this time. Maybe I have to save myself this time. oh but the walls sure are slippery I’ve tried to climb the walls but my hands keep sliding down getting scrapped on rocks. I’m bleeding I’m covered in this blood that only I can see unless you look hard enough, but you don’t understand me, you get frustrated and don’t know what to do w/ me. you don’t know how I work nor how to comfort me… you don’t even know me, this side of me anyways… I just wanna go home, but not this home. maybe one day you’ll join me but it wont be today.

I can’t stand to be alone when I say I want to be

no sleep for me

so my friends I believe it is safe to say that sleep has left me behind and it wont be coming back for me tonight I’m almost positive of that seeing as it is 6:30 am and my eyes have yet to shut and my mind has yet to rest. So for tonight I have been forgotten on sleeps route maybe it will come back to me or maybe I am not meant to sleep anymore… I feel tired, but thats just sleeps way of messing w/ me b/c once I lay down it goes away and I don’t know why but I’m pretty sure it’s just not meant to be tonight or should I say today. What do I do now, do I try to sleep, or forget about it and start my day? I’ll give it one more chance and if it doesn’t come, then damnit I saying to hell w/ it and staying up until I my eyes close with out my knowledge. wish me luck, I’m goin after that bastard!

once a cheater, always a cheater

So here’s the story, my boyfriend of almost 5 yrs, well ex-boyfriend cheated on me with my supposed  best friend.  They started out just talking on the phone, this was hidden from me of course, then i guess they got closer and when I started to find out about them talking too much and started putting my foot down it was too late. So here’s what I know happened, one night I was sleeping in my bed while he was on his computer upstairs, I guess they had been talking and she came and picked the bastard up so he says that they were just talking and then sexual tension came about and she ended up giving him head while she took her pants off and he fingered her AND  im pretty sure they kissed and made out then he comes back home washes up and gets in the bed w/ me… well about a month and half goes by and she not him, finally tells me what happened and I am absolutely dieing inside b/c I dont know what to do b/c they were my world but they betrayed me, lied to me and snuck around behind my back. I’ve never been this hurt in my entire life, i really felt like I could trust him and that he would never do anything like this to me, but he did. I didn’t expect it out of her either, well I knew she was a bit slutty but I didn’t think she’d  do anything w/ my man. and what really sucks is I hung out w/ them numerous times after, not even knowing. So here’s the deal, I don’t know what to part of me wants to try to forgive him and be w/ him the rest of my life, but the other half knows it will always be in the back of my head haunting me and not letting me sleep, if I may be able to forgive, but I’m not sure I can forget . So I ask myself is he worth the pain, or should I start fresh w/ someone new… this is his first offense but he should of never had one to begin with. I feel sick and I wish they didn’t ruin my life, I was so happy

I’ve lost what I loved

I can’t look at you, I can’t let my eyes see what has destroyed me. I don’t want to see what I am walking away from, what has hurt me so much. Betrayed me. I thought for the longest time that you could be the one stable thing in my life. but guess what? you aren’t nothing is, all I have is myself, I’m the only thing in this world that I can depend on. I hate this more than anything, I wanna hold you and be with you, be completely yours and you be all mine. but I don’t think it’s going to end that way is it? we’re too different, you’ve changed, you put her before us, before everything… fuck my feelings, thoughts, fuck my whole world just so you can feel fine at the end of the night when you go to sleep, but most of all fuck her, I hate her for this, I hate you for this. I never want to talk to her again. I’m not putting myself in this situation again. I set myself up for hurt and pain when I gave you so much freedom, I thought I could trust you, that you would never like someone else I would be the only one. I thought you didn’t even like talking to other girls. Lies. You had to of known it would come to this, or you wouldn’t of hidden it. I think you’ve definitely been the best thing that’s ever happened to be, you’ve taught me so much. you’ve been awesome before all this, you’ve helped me so much. I also think you’ve been the worst thing that has ever happened to me for making me feel this way, for not always being there for me when I’ve need you the most and for not really trying to understand me. But most of all I hate you for talking to her and liking her. I’ve lost you, you’re not the same I’m holding on, in hopes of you coming back because even though you’re here in person, you’re not the you I feel in love with. so what ever it is bothering you lose it and then we’ll figure out us. but right now I think you need to be alone, with out me so you can see what you’ve lost or what you can gain. figure out what’s important to you…

I want things to be how they were before “her”

I just want things to be back to how they once were. back when I felt like I was the only girl in your world, back when I could look in to your eyes and see just how much you wanted me. back when we wanted the same things, when you didn’t want her, much less any one but me. Now I understand you don’t care for her in the same way you do for me, but you still like her and I bet when we started dating you didn’t care for me as much as you do now. 4 years and 7 months is a long time, it has to start somewhere. Over 4 years and still no ring or anything to symbolize us? how could you let one person come between us, do you realize with every text message I begin to not care as much, let me rephrase that, because I’ll always love you and care about you, but if it continues I don’t know if I’ll always be “in love with you” I’m a strong person, I’ve been through a lot more than you could ever imagine, I can deal with things that you could never cope w/ and I never want you to have to, but I could never deal with ya’ll talking or being good friends, not after this, ya’ll  both want more than friendship.  It doesn’t really matter now I guess, or am I just saying that to push it away, put the unfinished puzzle back in the closent? Why did you do tis to us? The one couple that everyone envies, the 2 people who were so happy together, so in love, so perfect for each other? what went wrong? why are you fucking everything up for one stupid person who is not even going to be there for you forever? Do you know that I would of, I would have done everything for you, I would have been everything to you. and you could of been my everything… but now for the first time in our relationship I’m doubtful I’m scared and even though you lay beside me sleeping, I still feel alone, lonely in this dark room.  we were so perfect, we never fought, why did I have to meet her that day in the gym? why did I bring you there? why couldn’t you stop when you say how bad I was hurting? and how has it come to this?

uncertainty

when this break ends ( that I don’t want to be on) , if it does what’s going to happen? I still wont be ok with you talking to her, wanting to see her, texting her. so what’s going to happen, are you going to continue friendship w/ her or a relationship w/ me. I guess the ball is in your hands. Are you going to throw it the her or me?

No matter what you decide, I want you to know that even though you 2 have hurt me, there will always be a place in my heart for you, I’ll always be there for you, even if we aren’t together, you’re still my best friend and I couldn’t live w/ out you. But if we work things out and continue to be together, I will be the only girl in you life other than family.

you’ve gone against everything you’ve ever said because you fucking love her and I can’t change the way you feel.

A decision of a lifetime

I am at the age where I am supposed to decide what I want to do for a career. I could go in some many different ways that could determine my future, I know that I don’t want to do something generic, I want to live a crazy fun and interesting life. I don’t want to be stuck in a nine to five or a dead end waitressing job. I have to figure something out. I’ve thought about porn, but only pic and no hard core, but my boyfriend doesn’t want me to. I don’t know, I just want to live a glamorous life. I always wanted to be an actress, but that’s just so hard to get into. I would model, but I don’t really have the money to get into that and get an agent right now. I, like everyone else want to do something that I love! It’s just hard out in the real world. And when it comes down to it, it’s really over whelming trying to decide the fate of my future. I just want to stay 18 forever, I don’t wanna grow up! I also want to do something in the entertainment business b/c I want there to always be memories of me everywhere while I’m young.

awkward

So I work at a restaurant that a lot of the same people come in several times a week. Anyways, so there is this guy who comes in and he really creeps me out, he’s like in his 30s and acts really weird, plus he’s always telling me about his nights at the titty bar, and to be honest I don’t care if you go to strip clubs, but I don’t really wanna talk about it when I am at work and w/ him. The point of the story is, he always stares at me and looks me up and down all creepy and to the other girls he calls me his girlfriend. Now, I don’t talk to him any different than anyone else. I don’t even really try to talk to him. So today when he was leaving he was like, “bye, queen of my dreams” and I was like “yeah right” but he always calls me things like “teen angel” and I just don’t like him. he’s a creepy old guy and has no business flirting w/ me. I try to kind of rude to him so he’ll stop coming in, but he just keeps on coming back.

Hottest Girl EVER!! to me

To me the hottest girl ever is Megan Fox, you know the super babe from Transformers? Well anyways if I could be w/ any woman in the world, it would be her. She is sheer perfection, from her beautiful eyes to her flat super sexy stomach… She’s so hot! Anyways, just another thought, I just can’t seem to get her out of my thoughts… I mean look at her

When is sexuality not going to be shunned upon?

I was watching a show on vh1 on sexual revolution and it just got me thinking, when is sexuality going to be ok and not wrong?

When are we going to mature? I mean why is it that boobs can’t be shown on tv here in the us but it can in every other country? I think that sexuality should be able to be expressed in whatever way any body wants to, we should be able to live in a manner that makes us happy, as long as it is not physically hurting anyone why is it a problem? Is it a problem b/c you were taught by the “bible” or your parents that it’s wrong? when are people going to think for themselves? The human body is beautiful and remarkable and should not always have to be hidden. After all everyone has a body and private parts, so why is it a big deal? Another thing I hate is when girlfriends get mad at their boyfriends for looking at porn. Look at it this way, wouldn’t you rather him look than touch, no matter what any girl says, a man is not going to be completely satisfied looking at one girl the rest of his life, although you may be in love, he’s gotta look at other girls so he can really appreciate his girlfriend and his love. I also think that prostitution should be legal as long as it is done in good ways, like in Vegas, where there is “whore houses” where the girls stay and they should all be checked and clean. I think you should be able to use whatever you have to make money. If you have a good voice, sing. If you are good at basketball, play. If you have an awesome body, model. If you’re good at sex, be a porn star. This all makes sense. well anyways, this was just one of the many thoughts in my head…